Soak the Rich: Week 1 Progress

As part of a somber, earnest effort to support the 2012 re-election campaigns of Sherrod Brown and Barack Obama, I’ve begun tackling the only flaw in modern liberalism: who’s gonna pay for it? Starting at the top of the S&P 500 index – that’s a big list of bad companies, for those of you with Master of the Arts in Community Organization degrees – I’ve already wrung some extra cash out of The Rich who live to keep The Middle Class down.

Because the ticket to a successful entitlement state is soaking the nation’s wealthy to the appropriate degree, this is an important endeavor. What have we accomplished so far?

This week we soaked Apple and Exxon Mobil, currently the two largest corporations in the S&P 500 by market capitalization. By doubling each company’s corporate income tax burden and taking 100% of CEO compensation, we’ve taken great strides toward funding the programs Sherrod Brown and Barack Obama know we need!

Grand Accomplishments

  • Fiscal year 2011 US budget deficit reduced from $1,620,000,000,000 to $1,593,832,330,000
  • Annual deficit reduction as a percentage of the current total: 1.615%

Unintended Consequences That Won’t Occur

  • None of the corporations’ combined 133,000 jobs will be lost
  • None of the funds or individuals holding the corporations’ combined 5,924,800,000 shares of common stock will be ruined
  • Domestic and foreign lenders will not stop investing in American companies or entrepreneurs
  • Talented workers and business leaders won’t flee the country
  • Other corporations won’t relocate overseas

Things That Won’t Get More Expensive

  • MP3 players, laptops, tablet PCs, mobile phones, or software for any of the preceding
  • Gasoline, plastics, or natural gas

Here’s the simple fact crazed conservatives forget: the federal government should control everything. If Apple or Exxon raise prices in response to higher taxes, the government can penalize them – or shower stimulus spending & tax exemptions on their competitors. If Apple or Exxon fire employees, reduce dividends, or move jobs overseas, the government can penalize them further still. There are any number of ways heroes like Sherrod Brown and Barack Obama can bridge the gap between free markets and fair markets!

In one short week, we’ve made what the Democratic Party’s budget wizards might call “Progress.” Some small deficit remains, but there are many other fat-cats who don’t contribute enough to America’s nationwide, knee-deep safety net. Rest assured, dear leftist brothers; they will be soaked.

2 thoughts on “Soak the Rich: Week 1 Progress

  1. The government will do what FDR only dreamed possible; permanently setting a maximum profit for a company or individual's earnings and seizing anything above that line. AKA the progressive dream.

  2. Pingback: that hero » Soak the Rich: Week 2 Progress

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