Soak the Rich: Quadruple-Bypass

Unlike Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH), the president, and the first lady, I’m not a class warfare professional. As a result, I failed the last two weeks to keep the Soak the Rich hose trained on evil corporations! In honor of vacationer extraordinaire Michelle Obama, this special catchup edition will target fat-cat fatty-foods producers.

Remember, although we’ve already soaked McDonald’s and 29 more of America’s largest employers, we’ve barely covered 6% of the $1.62 trillion 2011 U.S. budget deficit. Sherrod says we can keep spending on entitlements if corporations give their fair share, so we’ll keep soaking corporations until we’ve filled that hole!

Now Soaking: The Coca-Cola Company

Coca-Cola makes sugary beverages, among other things. Sugary beverages make children fat!

None of Coca-Cola’s 139,600 employees will lose their jobs if Sherrod Brown and Barack Obama work their not-at-all-socialist magic. The only funds & individuals holding Coca-Cola’s 2.3 billion outstanding shares of stock who suffer will be the ones who deserve to.

Now Soaking: General Mills, Inc.

General Mills makes cereal, Pillsbury desserts, and Hamburger Helper, among other things. General Mills makes Americans fat!

None of General Mills’s 35,000 employees will lose their jobs if Sherrod Brown and Barack Obama work their not-at-all-socialist magic. The only funds & individuals holding General Mills’s 647 million outstanding shares of stock who suffer will be the ones who deserve to.

Now Soaking: PepsiCo, Inc.

PepsiCo makes beverages, many of them chock full of sugar. PepsiCo wants to kill your babies!

None of PepsiCo’s 294,000 employees will lose their jobs if Sherrod Brown and Barack Obama work their not-at-all-socialist magic. The only funds & individuals holding PepsiCo’s 1.58 billion outstanding shares of stock who suffer will be the ones who deserve to.

Now Soaking: Yum! Brands, Inc.

Yum! Brands is responsible for fatty fast-food abominations Taco Bell, KFC, Long John Silvers, Pizza Hut, and A&W. Yum! should be tried for war crimes in Michelle Obama’s fight on fatness.

None of Yum!’s 52,920 employees will lose their jobs if Sherrod Brown and Barack Obama work their not-at-all-socialist magic. The only funds & individuals holding Yum!’s 464 million outstanding shares of stock who suffer will be the ones who deserve to.

Whatever healthy products these corporations produce, the government must punish their fatty, salty, sugary sins. But don’t worry: this punitive tax policy won’t increase the cost of snacks, beverages, cereal, or fast food – and even if it did, that would help stupid Americans eat better! Once again, Sherrod succeeds where the free market fails.

We, The People who support Sherrod Brown’s fiscal policies, hold these leftist conceits to be self-evident.

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